Period.
Bi-polar. Impulsive. Sadistic. Manipulative. Bisexual. Depressing. Surprisingly Friendly. Random. Funny. Malevolent. Deceptive. In Love. Guilty. Pessimistic. Multiple Personalities. Forgetful.
Yep. That's me.
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Fate
Shits…been happening and I did something I swore I wouldn’t do…its.funny I guess because..typing it up for some reason makes it feel better.. I don’t know why I did it exactly..okay no I do know why. I let them get to me again. I put up this facade that I’m indifferent and I don’t care simply because its easier to stay frosty than to actually sit down and deal with the hand fate dealt me.
Its like sometimes I think to myself at night was I born to suffer? To be a pawn in their eternal chess games. Because that is what it seems like. I wake up.. I do whatever I come home to shit. I leave, they call me. I disappear they tell my friends. Its like I can’t escape no matter what I do their actions haunt me and I’m getting sick of it. I try to distract myself with happy thoughts and thinking of her..her and her but its getting..to the point that I’m losing interest in everything. Is it that my coldness has no off switch? Because its starting to feel that way..
I look at her and I begin to doubt myself, whether I truly do care or if its some facade I’m making up to have a normal life. I listen to her and its like she’s constantly on mute yet I know the movie so well that I can rehearse the lines even without the sound. I avoid her because I know that I crave her more than anything ..why? Because that’s my shortcut, my 4 hours of space, clarity, relaxation. No worries what so ever because I’m blasted out of my fucking mind.
But why am I even writing this..I dunno perhaps I want someone to see, someone to just say hey, are you okay? For me to lie and say I’m fine but have some sort of odd happiness that at least someone asked. No. That’s not it, its because I’d prefer a record, a legacy, an excerpt into the deranged mind of Jladi. So if anything did happen..the people who matter most wouldn’t be left asking themselves..Why?
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Cross out everything you've done:
Had a beer.
Smoked an entire cigarette.
Smoked weed
Done drugs.
Wrote on a bathroom wall.
Read a George Orwell book.
Had a physical fight.Used Twitter.
Listened to Lady Gaga.
Been in a car accident.
Gotten suspended.Gotten expelled.
Been allergic to something.
Gotten a computer virus.
Touched a real gun.
Had a dog.
Had a cat.Been pregnant.
Camped out.
Swam in the ocean.
Wore a bikini.
Driven a car.
Been sent to the principal.
Ever liked someone.
Failed a class.
Failed a test.
Gone to summer school.
Gotten worse than a D.
Gotten A’s and B’s.
Read an entire book.Recorded my own music.
Had an xbox.
Worn heels more than 3 days in a row.
Worn fishnets.
Worn skinny jeans.
Hated someone.
Been cheated on.
Cheated on someone.Worn makeup.
Lied to my parents about where I was going.
Had surgery.Had my license.
Been to college.
Graduated high school.
Worn colored contacts.
Painted my nails black.
Broken someone’s heart.
Had my heart broken.
Cried for an hour straight.
Lost something very valuable.
Gotten separated from one of my parents as a kid.
Broken a bone.Gotten stung by a bee.
Eaten something bad/expired.
Threw up from being so drunk.
Saw someone throw up from being so drunk.
Danced with someone of the opposite sex.
Owned an iPod.
Owned an iPhone.
Fell for a best friend.
Went far away from home for more than a week.Moved out.
Ran away.Had food poisoning.
Had a job.
Been fired.
Lied to a friend.
Lied to a family member.
Had a Facebook.Posted a video on YouTube.
Started a rumor about someone.
Talked badly about someone.Dropped out of school.
Deliberately failed a test.
Been skinny dipping.
Counted to a million.
Counted to a thousand.
Eaten rabbit meat.
Eaten duck meat.
Had fast food.
Been to Church.Been to Canada.
Been married.(technically engaged)Had a divorce.
Broken a glass.That’s why they call it Window Pain!
Hugged someone today.
Texted someone today.
Received a phone call today.
Threw something out of the window.
Ignored a text from someone on purpose.
Had my feelings hurt by a friend and never told them.
Wished you were somebody else.
(Source: violentskulls, via retracx)
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Tears me apart.
Today I showed weakness and I paid the cost for it. I realized that the perfect life that I had planned has its limits and that something I really wanted will never come to pass. Why? Because I love her to much and that topic just killed me inside. I’d laugh and joke about it before simply because I thought maybe she’d change her mind but it was for naught. I should of followed my own advice, people don’t change…they just find better ways to hide who they truly are. So now I’m hurting, crying tears I didn’t even know existed. Over what? My inability to state my mind because I love her to fucking much? Its pathetic and every part of my psyche is screaming at me to not let it die but that abyss which is now my heart is refusing to let me speak what I really think. No Instead I just make a lame excuse while I reel in pain and try to numb it down like the other instances but its fine…I’m used to the pain I’ll get through it. Do I hate her not really I hate my love for her. It chains me it restricts me from who I am and what I want and I know I can’t escape anymore because I’m entwined to deep. Its pitiful and I’m starting to hate myself for it, its like you think you are free from the self hate yet it just finds another way to bite you in the ass.
If only she let the topic die then I wouldn’t be in this much pain but no she continued on when I practically begged without sounding desperate for it to end. No..we talk on the phone and I have to physically restrain myself from screaming because I hate it so much. No I say its fine. I act calm and collected when I want to fling things and scream in a fit of fury. For what? Love? Such a cruel twisted emotion that I wish I could just fucking turn off. But I can’t so I’m trapped chained up and lost in some new found dream that I’m never going to wake up from. This isn’t inception this fucking dream IS my reality. So what am I to do? Nothing. Just man up and deal with it and repress my feelings because that is what I do. No I’m stupid I’m writing it down under some fleeting hope that she sees it and realizes how I really feel. How I’ve been feeling since this year started, I don’t want to leave her because I love her but I feel like my love for her is what is killing me. After all too much of a good thing is always bad. Its fine isn’t it this torture, its my punishment as I see it finally find happiness and then feel like its suffocating you, that you don’t deserve it. All it took was this little spark to light the gasoline that’s been spread all around me, splashed both outside and inside my body. So now I’m burning up like there is no tomorrow and the pain that I feel is so great that I can’t even scream out to save myself. But its fine isn’t it? After all all fires will end and I’ll be left as smothering ash the process irreversible.
But if she hurried and smothered out the flames before they completely consume me she might be able to salvage me before I’m lost in the flames of my agony..
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Speech.
Speech, the way to express youself the power to use word to put out your minds thoughts ideas and secrets.
Secrets that are kept deep inside of you buried inside yor psyche. Secrets that might mean everything to others and be the difference between hated and liked.
Then why is it that some secrets arent really secrets at all, rather everyone ‘knows’ and believes it just because they want to see you fall.
Down from the pedestal that you rightly belong on because if they actually knew about the shit they think they do know, it would be obvious you did no wrong.
But the don’t and they never will, because it drives them, it fuels them that inner desire to kill. End a life simply because someone has seperated from the misery.
So they make false accusations and put falsehoods into memory.
So that the innocents are turned into the whores, sluts and destitutes of society.
A pseudo scapegoat displayed upon the populance simply because of one spoken word.
Spoken by some bitch who could never measure and speaks things that no one sees absurd.
Why? Because they are two blinded by their own shortcomings, their sins, their mistakes, their fuck ups their pain.
No.. Instead of seeing the truth they choose to believe..the bitch who is only out for own emotional gain.
But is it really worth it, destroying others so you could feel some sort of euphoria in your brain?
Or is it because you know your life is horrible and won’t ever get better.
Not now or even in the future thetr is no excape for someone that goes out of their way to hurt her.
Her being the person that they want to be but cant because of they cant even see. Blinded by the misuse of the power of speech, blinded by the lies and the jeliousy..
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The Mask.
She loves me, I love her but we can not be.
Why? Of course because of some other..person who I can’t rid myself of.
Perhaps I can call it love, if that feeling which I possess could be called such, then yes I love you very much.
As that can be likened to security, so perhaps you may eventually bypass my apathy to stir up something in my mind.
As my heart doesnt feel because those feelings were..never real.
No they were formed based on a thought created from the reactions of others and the things which can be bought.
So sure I may love you now and back then, perhaps even in the future the only thing that stays constant is when.
When I will stop the charade and go back to my destructive way.
Because a snake that sheds its skin is still a snake just like a love that seems so real could be nothing more than a fake.
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An Analysis of a Poem.
I was basically writing about my past.
About how I could create a mask so flawless yet made of glassGlass that could be looked through with the right vision, and each time a person looked through they’d see that my true self changed just like a season.
Why because how could one know me when I myself had know clue what I was. So I stopped and thought to myself that she loved me, and even though me was apart of I. I was not me, thus I couldn’t reciprocate that feeling. Because feelings are for people that deserved them, like a medal for an athlete or an Nobel peace prize for some philanthropist.
And it doesn’t exactly take a scientist to realize that I’m not a person, no I’m a machine disguised in human flesh, blending in like an awkward guest.Why you ask? Its simply because I am what They made me. A heartless marionette who’s sole reason for living had been stolen. Stolen by a pair of thieves masked as parents.
Anyways I’m going to stop with this long explanation for a simple piece. As it was based on a memory when I didn’t know what true love was. Of course that changed when I fell. Like Lucifer when he lost his wings plunging down to the depths never to escape. Then again why would I want to escape this happiness that you’ve helped to create.
